Memoirs of Anetta

Mum: “Why haven’t you seen dad? don’t you know he’s sick...”

Dad: “Why haven’t you seen me? Don’t you know i’m sick“..

Me: Sorry mum I’ve just been busy with family and Uni I’m just tired.. i’ll come around..

Dad: .. *Hangs up*

Good morning dad.. how are you? mum tells me you’ve been unwell?

*Dad continues watching his Samoa news on youtube..*

Me: Dad I’ve brought coffee and some breakfast .. lets sit outside and talk and eat.. Meanwhile *mum’s complaining in the background about how unsettled he has been* …

*We have a chat and have some breaky..*

Dad: “i’m tired now, i’m going to go in and sleep”

*Dad has a 3 hour nap*

Me: Hey dad, did you have a good sleep ?

Dad: *looks at me* Hi, when did you come?..

Within in the next few hours our lives took a turn…….

Dad became more confused and disoriented and couldn’t piece sentences or words together..

Did I know this could be the last time i’d be able to sit outside and have a chat with my dad? …

NO…… BUT WILL WE EVER REALLY KNOW?

If you know me, you’ll know how deeply connected I am with my family and my parents and my DAD…

Right now… I am sitting in the emergency waiting room, with mum, my siblings and our partners and our children…. I cannot help but feel the heaviness in my chest and this constant question repeating itself over and over again..

HAVE I DONE ENOUGH?

Dad have we done enough to help you?? ..

Will you ever know.. how much you have done for us??..

I feel nothing but heartache and helplessness.. as I watch strangers try to give life to man with so much meaning to us.. and little to them..

BUT I hope that they see our tears and hear our prayers as we gather around dad .. and do their very best to give us our dad back..

All I ask from you is to please pray for us too.. remember him today.. please.

I’d walk into my parents house. “Anetta, where is she?“.. I’d reply reluctantly… “She’s with him...”

“Anetta, how can you come here with out her!? She should be with the mother!”

“But, she also needs her dad and her other family.. and i can’t keep her away from him. In my heart it doesn’t feel right…”

“Anetta, you’re stupid. She needs you, I don’t know how you can do that! She’s just a baby“..

“I’m going to my friends house...”

….

We were sitting in the club together. It’s going off. We sat and stared at each other and realised we’ve been friends for over 10 years.

The music is going off… Ignoring the world, we stared at each other. Hugging and wiping our tears. Appreciative of one another.

…

Doctor looks at me, “What happened?..”

“Uhh, some people came and jumped me from behind this morning as i was walking down the street. 2 or 3 i don’t know who they were...”

My sister and her husband are with me. She looks at me.. disappointed and says with tears and anguish, “Anetta, when is enough.. enough?“..

With tears falling.. i whisper, “I don’t know...”

I don’t want to go home. I’m going to my friends house.

We laid there in bed and you cried for me… i cried for me too.

….

I was in QLD. I asked you to come (late notice as usual) you booked. You came. You missed your flight (always late aha). You still booked the next one. Still came out to hang out with me. You knew i needed you.

…

*FB Message*: Hey, i got a weird message. In this picture.. is it you?

*Embarssed*: ..yeah it is.. i’m really sorry. He’s been threatening to send photos of us.. i didn’t know he actually did.

You replied: Don’t worry i deleted it, i hope you’re ok..

_____

A real friendship is a relationship that places no judgement and offers an ear, a shoulder and heart with no personal gain of oneself. You are the definition of a Real Friend Cathy Gloria Taufua. I am forever grateful for the many years we have cried, laughed and vented together.

I still think about the many times we walked to and from Colyton Highschool together. Even that i am grateful.

We do not see each other everyday, we do not even speak to each other everyday. However, whenever i do reach out, you have always been there.

I know, i am not the only person you have provided a safe place for. I just want you to know.. that you are something special.

Thank you for always listening to me. Thank you for never ever making me feel judged. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for always lending your heart.

Cathy, there are people in this world, who do not know what it is to be a good friend or fail to recognise what a good friend looks like. I just hope to give you the happiness that you have always given me.. or close to it.

Love you so much, i had to write about it x

___

Important Note: There is no perfect relationship. I highly doubt i am the only one to have had these moments with a past relationship. What is important, is to recognise those around you. Those that help you get passed these temporary moments. Temporary can be days, weeks.. for me years. However, to those who provide love, support and patience… Don’t take them for granted. It’s hard for them to watch you go through it.

These are your friends and family who just want the best for you.

For some personal reasons i can not mention her name in this piece, however i will refer to her as daughter.

It’s important i start from the beginning…

Daughter was invited to a another girls birthday. Same class as she.

Invited on Wednesday. Daughter was too excited so, same day we bought her present. Same night we wrapped it.

The birthday was in 3 days.

Yay! its Saturday. We get our nails done and she buy’s an outfit.

We get to my parents house. Daughter gets changed.

I didn’t like what she put together. So i looked at her and asked “Do you really want to wear that?”

My sisters and my mother were all asking her this same question. “Do you really want to wear that?” as they were leaving to go shops.

Daughter looks upset. She looks at me, fighting back tears and says softly,

“Mum, i thought what i was wearing was good and now you are all asking me to get changed and now i feel ugly. Why can’t i wear whatever i want to wear? I thought i could have my own opinion and now you’re making me feel ugly. I don’t want to go anymore.” She can not fight them anymore.. she begins to cry.

My heart drops. I grab her into my arms realising, I have made a mistake.

“Daughter you are right. I am so sorry. You may wear whatever you like. We’ve still got to go because we’ve promised your friend you were going to go. I also know you are always the life of the party, come on lets go.“

It took another 10 mins of encouragement, a hug from grandpa and she was able to get into the car willingly. Still upset.

Softly she looks at me and says, “Mum, i still don’t want to go. Please don’t make me go.“

“Daughter, I promise when we get there, you will have so much fun and it will be worth it“.

We have arrived.

Daughter is holding her friends gift and leading the way into the house.

Her friends mother welcomes us inside and asks us both to sit down. There’s a room full of young girls and well dressed mothers.

I’m in my sweats. Immediately i’m thinking, why was i judging what my daughter was wearing before we got here.. and now i’m the one who should have gotten changed. I am well under dressed. I whisper to Daughter, “i’m so sorry about this morning. I was focused on you but i should’ve gotten changed. You look very nice. I’m sorry i’m not dressed.”

She dismisses what i say and stays by my side.

I do my best to socialize with the other mothers and make her feel comfortable.

She’s chatting with birthday girl.

We all begin to walk outside.

I am now watching her run around with 8 other girls. She is no longer upset. She’s in her element and she’s entertaining. She’s smiling and laughing. Everyone’s laughing.

My heart is begins to fill with happiness. I’m glad we came.

However… as i keep watch… i notice there’s 2 groups of girls. A group of 8 and a group of 4.

As i turn to my right and i see 3 girls roughly my daughter’s age and 1 much younger. The younger girl is watching her older sister talk to these other 2 girls who look like cousins.

I wonder what they’re talking about… I listen in.

One cousin speaks,”You are nothing but a pest! You are such a PEST!” She’s laughing.

I can see the older sister’s face. She’s becoming upset. She replies “You know what, I WISH I WASN’T EVEN HERE!“… Her younger sister is watching not saying a word.

I wait for the other cousin to reply…

She says “Why don’t you go!? Go tell your mum, to take you and go away!?” The other cousin starts to join in, “Yeah why don’t you…”

I intervene

“Hey! Stop! Don’t talk to her like that. Don’t say that. Leave her alone”

The cousins look at me, look at each other and walk away. The older sister runs away. Her younger sister follows.. I follow.

I find her. She’s hiding around the corner. She’s crying. Her sister is watching. No one else is watching.

I say, “Hey, are you ok? I’m happy you are here. It’s a good thing you’re here… Where is your mum? Would you like me to tell her what happened?”

She’s rubbing her eyes, she can’t look at me. She’s still crying.

“Sorry, keep crying. It’s ok to cry. I’ll be over there. (around the corner) When you’re finished then come and get me and you let me know. You’ve just gotta point out your mum for me.”

She nods her head. Her younger sister is looking up at me and smiles.

She’s finished..she comes up to me and says “It’s ok. Don’t worry about it. I don’t want to tell my mum.”

“Ok, if you say so. Hey, come meet my daughter. Play with her. She’s so much fun“. I yell.. “Daughter! Come and play with these 2 girls, they’d like to play with you“.

I’ve stopped her whilst she’s with her friends. She rolls her eyes at me and says, “Mum, you can go away now.“

“Please, just let these girls play with you.”

“Ok” She looks at the girls and says “Yeah come play with us!“

It’s time for cake.

I’m inside already. All the girls are coming inside now. The begin to surround the birthday girl and cake. They all stand with each other.

I see Daughter. I whisper.. “Daughter, come here” .. “What?” she replies. It’s loud.

I tell her what happened. “That’s why i asked you to play with them” She looks at me confused. “She called me a pest?” .. “No not you!.. the girl i told you to play with…. -_- don’t worry go to your friend and cut the cake.”

She’s standing next to the birthday girl and the girl who just got bullied. I watch daughters face. I read her lips.

She asks, “What happened? Did someone call you a pest?“.. The little girl nods. Daughter asks “Who? The girl over there?.. The little girl nods.

I watch my daughters face and she’s annoyed. She’s frowning. Her body language has changed. Her arms are crossed. She’s trying not to give it away.. but i can see your mind is going places.

We all sing.

“Happy Birthday to you...”

Cuts the cake. She runs towards me.

“MUM! You’ve gotta tell her parents. Tell them and talk to them!“.

‘Don’t worry. I will, but not right now. Just go and have fun. I don’t know who’s mum is who yet’.

“Hmm… ok“. The girls are calling her.. they want to play outside.

I’m getting bored. I want to play with these girls.

I go outside. I ask if we could play a game together, with the soccer ball. They all let me. It was so much fun!!

I notice again. There’ still 2 groups. Group of 10 and the 2 cousins.

Birthday girl’s mum calls me in, “Anetta, come inside and have tea with us. Let these girls play”... “Yeah no worries, i’m coming”.

I’m sitting close to the door. Daughter walks in.. and a group of 7 follow.

I peak outside. There are still 2 girls playing passes with the soccer ball. I see the 2 cousins also outside, playing by the plants.

I’m still sitting inside. Drinking tea and chatting with the other mums.

2 girls walk passed me… and straight to my daughter. All the girls are watching. Something doesn’t feel right to me…

I’m watching and i’m reading their lips.

“They did it again. They took a bunch of leaves and dumped it on Sarah and they began laughing at her.”

They’re telling my daughter.

Daughter is mad. “They did what!? Where are they? Lets go talk to them!”

I’m watching daughter. She’s marching by all the Mum’s and also by me. She’s outside and all 9 girls are following.

I stand up and grab Sarah’s hand and notice the leaves still in her hair. She’s the last one in the march. I look at her and say “Come on, lets go“.

I notice, the once was clear grass.. now has leaves scattered everywhere.

I watch daughter confront these girls and she says,

“How would you feel, If someone comes to your house and takes leaves off your tree and threw it on you? How would you feel if you were the one who had the leaves thrown at you?”

As i watch their expressions as daughter is speaking. I can see they are being dismissive.

I immediately Intervene with a stern voice. (If you’ve ever worked with me, you know exactly what voice this is)

“What you both did today was not right and it was not good at all! What you did to this young girl Sarah was not right. Both of you apologise to her right now!”

They look to their left and say “Sorry“..

I speak again.

“Her name is Sarah. You apologise to her properly and look at her when you say it. She’s standing over here and not ever there. Sarah come here. *I grab her hand gently and ask her to step forward*.

Now both of you apologise properly to Sarah!”.

They turn to Sarah and say, “I’m sorry Sarah”.

I turn to Sarah,

“Sarah, you do not let these people ruin your day today ok. Don’t you ever let people like this ruin your day. You still have a good day today ok.”

She looks at me and smiles.

Daughter isn’t finished. As i’m walking away with Sarah, i see daughter still talking to these 2 girls. All the girls are still surround them.

I intervene.

“Girls, that’s enough now. Go and play. Let these girls be.. go and have fun now. Like you should. Daughter.. that’s enough now, go and have fun please.”

They all begin to play again.

Shortly after this Sarah’s father came to pick her up.

I quickly caught up with him and told him about what had just happened. We both looked at Sarah and smiled as she hugged her younger sister. I reminded her of what i said earlier, she agreed. Her father thanked me and said “All it’s done was leave a scar. An emotional scar, but Sarah is tough. She’ll get through it“.

I went back inside and looked for my daughter. I saw her again talking to the cousins but one of them is now crying.

Her mum sees and asks what had happened. The girl starts to speak to her mum in her language. The mum begins to speak to the birthday girl.

All the girls are trying to explain to the mum, “We asked both of them to play with us. They refused to play with us. So we just played together instead”.

The mum understands and whilst she’s speaking to her daughter, her youngest son begins to vomit. I help her attend the little boy. We realised, this little cutie has eaten too much cake.

We laugh together about it and she thanks me for my kindness.

It was time to leave.

As i’m driving to drop off daughter to her cousins birthday, i asked,

“Why was the other little girl crying? Do you know anything about it?”

“Oh mum, i’ll tell you what happened…”

“I saw the girls were off colour. So i went up to them and asked Are you ok? She says to me, even if i wasn’t why would i tell you? .. I told her, Well you don’t have to be rude about it, you can just say you don’t want to talk about it…

And then i said “I don’t want you to take this to heart but to be honest, you both deserved to be told off. You should listen to what my mum says because you’ve made a mistake. You will never learn from your mistakes until you get told what it is. This is to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again”. Then mum, she started crying…

I looked at my daughter in disbelief..

She says, “Mum, they think it’s a game. What they were doing they think it’s a game and they were laughing when you told them the first time. The time will come when this game will end.. and their time was up today.“

---

We’ve all grown up with insecurities. Whether it’s from our own home, at school we learn these things from our surroundings. As social media grows and dominates my daughters generation, i made a decision as a parent to strengthen my daughters confidence and to take no bullshit from anyone. No matter who they are. Gratefully, Daughter also has family from my side as well as her fathers who are strong in mind.

It is so scary, this world we currently live in. As i watch her generation grow, i can only see it getting worse. As a parent, i know it’s difficult to pay 100% of the time. However, If you pay that little bit extra attention to your children…no matter where you are, no matter how tired you are…try.

You will be able to protect them from this cruel world. I was so proud as her mother, to witness her stand on her own 2 feet and protect her friends she just met. She only knew 2 other girls at this party, but she helped these girls like they were her family.

I am so blessed to be able to witness, my beautiful beautiful daughter.. may be able to handle this world she’s in without me.

My mind keeps going back to how our morning started..

Imagine if i had got mad at daughter.. for throwing a tantrum (yes, my stress levels were peaking)… didn’t admit it was my fault how she felt insecure about what she was wearing… Imagine if we didn’t go...

Round 1

He’s holding me down. I can’t move. “Get the f*@$ off me!” He screams back “You’re not going anywhere!” Slams me down back on the bed. Locks the door. Takes my phone. “You’re not leaving here to make a scene in front of my family.”

“Arrghhhh! Fine i’m sorry. I won’t… I won’t make another sound. I love you….“

He’s calm now. He’s still standing in front of the door. He grabs me and pulls me into bed. I lay in his arms and he says “I love you” holding me tightly.

“I love you too…”

Round 12

We are in the car. It’s just us. He’s driving and yelling…

“Why are you always on your phone!? Why do you always talk to other guys? Show me your phone!!” I stand my ground. “No! I don’t want to show you anything. You don’t show me your phone, why would i let you go through mine!?”

The car stops. He grabs the phone out of my hands. He’s losing it.

“What the f*&% is your pin!” I yell back “I ain’t telling you shit!” Grabs my phone, throws it out the window. He runs it over.

“What the f&$%! Take me home! I want to go home!!!” I’m crying.. begging “Please… i just want to go home“. He’s in a rage. He’s accelerating.

“Please calm down, i’m sorry. I’ll give you the pin, i’ll show you everything just please… take me home. Lets go home. I love you“…

He’s driving us home. “I love you too“.

Round 30

He’s calling. I pick up. “Hello…”

He starts to speak, “I don’t want to be with you anymore, this is the last time i’ll be calling you. Before you go…i promise you that NOBODY will ever love you as much as me! Believe me when i tell you this. NOBODY will ever love you as much as me!” *Hangs up*

I call back. He’s not answering. I call again. Straight to voicemail. He’s blocked me. Change my number to private. Please pick up.

What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? What’s wrong with me? Please answer my phone call. I love you! I’m sorry for whatever i did wrong. I can fix it. Please talk to me…

“Hello…”. Finally…He tells me, “I love you too...”

Round 62

We are at the police station. Again. I give in my statement.

My court case is scheduled. I get dressed. Dad “Anetta where you going?” I tell him, “no where dad just don’t worry”. My phones ringing. It’s my case officer. She told me not to speak to him – but I am speaking to him. He’s telling me not to go.

I don’t want to go anymore. The constable is calling me. I listen to her voicemail “Anetta, i’m in court waiting for you. Are you coming?”

Court case dismissed.

I message him. “I didn’t do it. I love you“. He texts back…

“You shouldn’t have taken it this far, do you really love me?”

Round 121

Do you swear by Almighty God/Do you solemnly and sincerely declare and affirm that the evidence that you shall give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? If so, please say “I do”

“I do“

Magistrates (judge) makes his decision…

“There is something honest about Anetta’s testimony. Her character, her statement is believable. You say that Anetta is depressed but everyone’s depressed. You are a businessman and i can tell the way you speak, you are coordinated and well educated. I understand you run a small company and you employ somewhat many people but…

my final decision is you will leave court today convicted…”

_____

It has taken me a very long time to end this fight. 10 years. This message is to my fellow humans who are constantly fighting every day…….every day….. You are not alone.

There is more work to be done.. a lot more and i’ll tell you why…

I had my AVO approved. I did the hardwork of turning up to court and standing up for myself. One of the conditions of this AVO was that no one could use any type of communication to intimidate me. Well, i got emails and messages shortly after court doing exactly that.

Without the help and support of my beautiful older sister Leilani, i wouldn’t have been able to build enough strength to go down to my local police station and show them the evidence i had of this breach.

It took a whole lot of energy for me to do this. But i did.

A few days later, I receive a phone call from a women’s support group telling me that they weren’t able to do anything about the recent statement i made. The breach was never enforced.

Confused at this news i went down to the police station to speak to the police ..the same police officer.

I asked the constable who was a female officer, “Hi, do you remember me? I don’t understand. I got this phone call from someone saying he didn’t breach anything? You told me that i could write this statement and you would do something about it. Why is he still intimidating me?”

She looks at me and says, “Ohhh… so he hasn’t been served his AVO yet. So if we drive to his house, he doesn’t answer the door we can’t do anything more than that. We don’t have enough time to do these things.”

My heart sank…

I called my older sister Leilani and i cried. I broke down outside the police station in my car.

I chose to finally fight….

Fight for myself. To be let down by a police officer but because she was a female… it hurt more.

With this being said, if it wasn’t for the Police Barrister (male) who represented me during my case. I would confidently say i have little faith in our police officers.

I am definitely not the only one.

I have thought about writing this for a long time now. I hope i have conveyed this message well enough for you to understand Domestic Violence Victims a little more.

This is not to start a war. Not to hate on anyone. That’s not why i write. I am writing this to highlight there is still a lot more work to be done within our communities.

Support each other no matter how many mistakes we make. We are all only human… but if you’re in a position where your job requires our faith as a fellow Australian then you try your best to do justice and right by each individual no matter how many times you have to do it.

We ALL Matter

As a child, I used to wake up in the early mornings from the voice of my mum. She’d be praying in Samoan.

At that time, I did not understand what she was saying but all I knew was she was praying for us.

Her family.

I also remember waking up to her cleaning. Yelling. Cleaning and yelling. Yelling at her kids to help her clean hahaha.. she won most days

There have been many significant memories of my life that the only person I needed, was my mother… and she alone.

I have flash backs of memories that have stuck with me.. and will forever stick with me, watching you over the years mum…

Today, I would like to share what these moments meant to me…

The day of your son’s funeral mum… I watched you.

I watched you from a distance. You collapsed next to his grave. You laid there, on the ground, wailing and crying in pain. Asking God to take you with him as they lowered his casket.

I watched and watched. I didn’t understand why I started crying at that moment. I just remember I was sad to have lost my brother but watching you like this was just as tough.

You were by my side during the birth of my first-born child.

You helped me get through the grueling hours. I wanted to give up and started crying to you and told you I didn’t want to do it anymore. Like you could take all the pain away. You stayed by me until Aaliyah arrived.

You, have never left us.

I can only tell you the respect I had for you, grew beyond imaginable. You went through this 6 times mum. Why!? Hahaha

I am still discovering new things about you.

A couple weeks ago, you told me when you got word that your father was sick.

You took it upon yourself, to pick up 2 other jobs and worked around the clock in preparation of your fathers passing.

In disbelief, I asked “Mum, how long did you have 3 jobs for?” You said, “Anetta, for 1 year. I worked over here Monday to Friday, at night I’d go to another place and on the weekends, I worked over here. It was a lot of hard work but what else could I do? My father was sick. After he passed away, I went back to working 1 job again.”

My grandfather passed away in 2016.

Mum, you held my hand during the toughest moments in my life. I remember having so much fear in my heart. It consumed me. I had to face my fear in court and take a stand for myself. I had to be placed in a separate court room until it was time.

You sat with me. Patiently, checking in on me. I held your hand overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. You gave me so much strength that day Mum. Something i heavily believe, only a Mothers unconditional love can do.

I got through it…We got through Mum. I can not thank you enough for the endless love, support you have given to all of your children over the years. Thank you for always believing in us, when we didn’t believe in ourselves.

Forever loving you, the peace maker of our Family. Happy 60^th Birthday to the best mum ever!

Faafetai tina. Ana le seanoa lou alofa ma lau lagolago, oute le o ai la aʻu nei. O ou puapuaga ma lau taulaga o le mafuaaga lea ua tatou manuia ai i le ola. Na e faia le galue malosi mo aʻu tina ma ou te folafola atu e faʻafaigofie le vaega o totoe o lou olaga. Manuia tele le atoaga o lou 60 tausaga Mum.

Mum and Dad just purchased their new home.

Dad looks at me and says, “Anetta, i need you to get a job to help out the family”. The only place I applied for was KFC Minchinbury, at 14 yrs old. This is where it all started for me.

It was my first job.

The money i made at first, was going straight into my parents bank account. Until i asked my dad for a separate account one.

I ended up having 2 bank cards. One was mine and the other one belonged to my parents. Both were held by my dad.

I never had the urge to spend money. Shopping wasn’t really my thing. Mum and dad provided all my necessities so, the money i was making was going to contribute to the family for emergencies.

After working under a year or so i went to withdraw money from my account. I put in my card to withdraw $20. Screen looks back at me and says,

Insufficient funds

I was so confused. I call up dad and ask what happened? Dad says, “A funeral came up, we had to use it. Sorry.”“

At first i thought to myself… WHAT THE F*&@$*@& hahaha…

But, this anger quickly went away after speaking to mum and dad.

They told me the situation and if it meant lifting a financial burden off my family, what was there to be mad about. I wasn’t purchasing anything that i needed. Mum and dad gave me everything and this was just something extra.

“Don’t worry dad and mum, i understand“

I had to constantly remind myself, “Why did you get a job in the first place?”. I barely used any money i made, as i quickly came to realise. The money i earnt from this job, never belonged to me…

It belongs to my family.

So, yeah this didn’t happen just once.. but it was something that i understood.

I’d be lying if i said it wasn’t hard. It was very hard… but it would’ve been harder to watch my family suffer and i am thankful i was able to contribute and do my part.

I had Aaliyah at 19yrs old. If i stayed out of work, it meant one less income for a Samoan family of 7. My brother and sisters were still in high school. I knew i had to work.

I returned to work 3 months after giving birth to Aaliyah. I was also working up to 35 hours p/w 3 days before i gave birth.

My dad is an entrepreneur. Always pushing to make his own money. To be his own boss.

Whilst climbing the cooperate KFC Ladder and taking all the opportunities that came with it. I was also working in between to help my father and his shipping business. I was trying my best to do right by my daughter, financially.

Honestly, the toughest role i ever had in my life is to be a Mother. Sorry HAVE.

I can tell you right now, i wasn’t a very present mother to Aaliyah during the times i worked late nights, early mornings and never ending weeks. In between my marriage breaking down.

I admit it.

If it wasn’t for my loving brother, my beautiful sisters, my parents and Aaliyah’s family from her Pakistani side. If it wasn’t for their presence in Aaliyah’s life, being there for her whilst i wasn’t…Aaliyah would not be the beautiful girl she is today.

I feel forever in debt for the love they have given her where i was missing.

It broke my heart.

The many times they were able to hang out and i’d miss out because of work. There were many times were i had the opportunity to spend time with them but work, making money was my priority and not time with my family.

My salary looked good… but the relationships that mattered definitely weren’t.

I remember talking to my younger sister Lydia (Aaliyah’s aspiration in life haha) she says to me…

“Anetta do you talk to Aaliyah? Does she tell you her secrets? You should talk to her.”

My response, “No why? what does she tell you? How come she doesn’t say anything to me. What did she say?”

I didn’t know my own daughter.

I worked hard and stayed at KFC for 13 years.

I resigned from my role at KFC Mean Fiddler early this year in February. **Special mention the Fisher Franchise Group.. Best team ever, past and present**

This was the best decision i have ever made for myself.

I had no idea what i was going to do, but all i knew was.. i wasn’t happy.

I moved back in with my parents and started reading this book my older sister Leilani recommended. It’s called “The Secret” By Rhonda Bryne.

After reading it, I began making little changes in my life.

I thought, the cheapest gift i could give to myself, is the gift of good health.

So, I got to spend time with my younger sister Christian. We would wake up in the early mornings and train together. 5am, 6am or 7am depending on her working schedule. Thank you baby sister for the motivation.

I also learnt how cook. I got to look after my father, who was recovering from his heart surgery. I got to take care of my mum, my brother and sisters who’d work ridiculous hours.

More importantly, I also got to spend time with Aaliyah. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with her. Something i have never had before. I’ve waited over 7 years to spend time with my daughter.

No, she’s waited over 7 years for time with mum.

I wrote this letter to myself and sent it to myself via email a little time after i had just resigned. I didn’t know what i was going to do with my life but i knew this was an important moment…for me.

“Remember Today. I love you”

• 

I can tell you right now, i am out of debt and i am living the happiest and most fulfilling life. As a mother, as a sister, as a daughter and as a partner.

When you’re down, the only way is up. Don’t ever give up on yourself!

When I think of my dad..

I see a STRONG, Intelligent, Loving and supportive Samoan Man standing before me.. This is what you have taught me over the years we have had together..

From a very young age dad has always taught us to be kind to one another. We had the normal sibling rivalry so for us, this was a difficult thing to understand.

“Don’t fight with your brothers and sisters, you need to look after them. I never treated my brothers and sisters like this.”

I remember watching my older sister Leilani, she tripped and fell over. I thought it was the funniest thing. Funniest thing i’ve ever seen in my young life. Until I heard dads voice.. “Anetta come here”… “Yes dad”.. Yeah of course i stopped laughing.

He looks at me and says

“How do you know if she was hurt? How do you know if something serious didn’t happen to her. Well you don’t know because the first thing you did was laugh. Next time something happens, always check if they’re ok first then laugh about it later because you never know.” .. “Yes Dad“.

It wasn’t until recently I didn’t understand how poor our family was. Whilst dad was living in Samoa, he realized he wasn’t going to achieve everything he dreamed for his family. He wasn’t going to be able to provide a future for his brothers and sisters that he wanted. He told my grandfather he wanted to move away. My grandfather agreed.

Mum didn’t speak a word of English and agreed to go everywhere with Dad. They came to Australia in 1994 with no money and 3 kids. I remember growing up and attending a church called The Salvation Army. Church with other kids was fun, we went to camps and dad used to dress up as Santa Claus and hand presents out.

One of my most memorable moment was, we members of the church, walking the streets carrying donation chests in our hands, ringing the bell and knocking on doors. Asking if people could kindly donate a gold coin or 2. Looking back at dad with a proud smile on his face.

I had no idea that we were actually one of the families that were being supported by them.

I remember making fun of my mum. She had broken English. We kids could not speak Samoan fluently. When we came to Australia, Dad encouraged us to speak English, only because this was the country we were growing up in. He didn’t care if we couldn’t speak our native tongue and never made it a priority. He always said that’s where you come from so you can learn it whenever you want to.

So, he was watching us mocking my mum about her pronunciation of english words. We thought we were cool until.. “You kids come here let me tell you something”.. “Yes dad“..

“Your mother came to this country without speaking a word of English. You didn’t have to learn how to speak Samoan but your mum is learning to speak English just for you. Why are you making fun of her. You should be helping her and teaching her. If it wasn’t for her doing this… You’d be the one learning a different language”

Yep, we never laughed at her again.

We passed our old house in Mt Druitt just yesterday. I asked my dad what was the story behind the house? This is what he said…

“We applied for housing in 1994 and it was 1998. We were on the waiting list for 4 years and when i called them to check when it was our turn they said we were 80th in line. So what i did was, I put on my Salvation Army uniform and went to the housing commission and they gave me a house that very day. The first house they gave us, my wife complained and didn’t like it. The next house they gave to us was filthy and the previous occupants did not look after it. All the neighbors came up to us and told us how bad it was. Your mum and I didn’t stop cleaning the house because she was worried you kids would get sick. At night I would cry because i had nothing in my pocket and it wasn’t our home. That’s when i told myself we will get a house one day.”

7 years later. They did it. They gave us a home. Our home.

Just a couple weeks ago, i was shopping with dad. We met in the car and he says,

“The girl gave me too much money. When i bought my coffee she gave me $1 extra. I tried to get her attention she was kinda busy. When i finally got it she was looking at me confused. You gave me too much money. You gave me an extra dollar. She’s like nah i didn’t its right. I’m like no it’s not right, check again. After she calculated she realized she made a mistake…

Giving me an extra $1 isn’t going to make me rich so what’s the point. She thought about that and smiled and said thank you, you are an honest man”.

Dear Dad,

I am so thankful for you. I can not count how many lessons you have taught me over the years however, I will go through each and every one of them one day. I am so lucky to have been one of your children and even more fortunate to call you my father.

I have watched you suffer after losing one of your sons. However you got through it and still managed to have created such a loving place in our household where we can always come to you for support. You have held our family together after many years where we could have easily gone the other way.

Even when you were in so much pain when you were sick. You had a tear in your aorta. The doctor came up to you and asked “From a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least amount of pain and and 10 the most how much pain are you in right now”. You would be sitting there smiling in hospital and say “8”. I don’t know how you do it. You are so strong and brave.

I know you feel like you haven’t done enough for us dad but believe me dad when i say this, you absolutely have done more than enough!

Happy 71st Birthday to the best dad .. ever! We are all where we are, and who we are because of you.

• 

Forever loving you, Thank you.

Stop crying!! Please! Shh!! Stop i’m sorry!! Dads going to hear you!!.. It’s too late.

Dad. He’s coming… My hearts pounding.

I start crying. He hasn’t even done anything yet. I run.

He sits down on the couch. He looks calm. I can see him. I’m hiding from the kitchen.

I know whats coming. I went too far..I’m mumbling.. “I’m sorry dad. I didn’t mean to make him cry it was an accident”

Dad doesn’t care. He’s had enough. “Anetta…..come sit down in front of me now“..

I slowly walk over and sit in front of him, wiping the tears off my face.

I start pleading “Dad we were just playing, i’m sorry“.. i’m mumbling. He’s not looking at me yet.

He’s taking his belt off…

I start to cry harder. Fuck! What can i say?

“Dad, i’m sorry it was an acci..”

He hits.

It stings! I cry out and move back. He yells at me to “MOVE CLOSER!.”

I don’t want to.. He grabs my leg and pulls it towards himself.

He hits again..

and again..

and again.

He’s screaming at me. I’m not allowed to move.. but it hurts. Dad this hurts.. you’re hurting me!!!

Mum intervenes. “Dad that’s enough now”

He’s in a rage. She can’t stop him. Mum please do something.

He’s really mad at me this time..my body won’t stop moving.. i’m shaking.. I don’t mean to, i’m sorry dad.

It’s making him more angry.. his eyes are beaming. He yells “STOP MOVING”

He sees the extension cord…. I see it too. He stands up.

Please dad.!!

It’s too late…

Dads tired.. and starts crying. He looks at me and says.. “I do this because i love you“…

____

As a child growing up in a Samoan household with a 5 other siblings, this was our way of life. We got tough love from both mum and dad because this was the only way they knew how to raise their children.

I recently spoke to my parents about their thoughts on hitting children. This way of discipline. We all agreed, we have been doing it wrong for a very long time and it needs to end.

As a result, “this way of life” created barrier instead of building a healthy relationship between myself and my parents. It made me angry and confused.

I was very fearful of my parents growing up and as a parent myself today, I know for sure this is not the relationship i want with my daughter.

This is just not happening in my household but this is happening everywhere and it needs to end.

It is OK for children to make mistakes. It is wrong for parents to correct mistakes with violence.

__

Our Pacific Island Community need to do better to teach our children to use words and not violence. We have resorted to violence to be our resolution to all of our problems for far too long. We are guilty of encouraging our young men to fight each other instead of loving one another. We should be teaching our young men and women to identify their feelings, understand what’s happening in their life and encourage each other to speak about it. We don’t do this enough in our pacific island families.

I have attended a parental course to become a better parent for my daughter and to do better in the relationships with my family and friends. I am also proud to say i see a psychologist to speak about certain issues i can not speak to anyone else about. As an adult, this is not spoken out loud enough. The importance about taking care of our own mental health seems to have some kind of attachment with shame. This is not how it should be. It is just as if not more important than your physical well being.

The relationship my parents have with us today in comparison as to what we had as children, it is evident how much my parents have grown as individuals. They have learnt from their mistakes and have worked hard to improve their relationship with each and every one of us. We are more open with each other, more understanding with one another and have learnt to communicate with minimal judgement and no violence. My parents have faced the most difficult circumstances in life and despite their own individual challenges they are able to support us with minimal judgement and no violence. Therefore we have learnt to love each other in the same way.

I now speak to my parents openly about my relationships and all the chaos happens in my life. They speak to us openly about their fears and feelings and all the chaos in their lives. I can only hope this continues on for as long as possible. All i know is that they’ve done this because they love us. We can only do the same and move forward with our children. This is the better way of life.

• 

Parental course i completed a few years ago. Practices are still helpful to this very day.

https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/support-services/circle-of-security/

In order for you to read my story I need you to read this.

Really read this.

I need you to understand me. Understand me. Understand why not me?

We are getting ready for church again. Mum is getting us ready. All 6 of us. Dads waiting in the car.

Go sit at the front. The kids always sit in the front.

I don’t understand the Samoan language. I don’t understand this church. I don’t understand what he is preaching but, they are telling me to listen. What is he saying? What does he mean? Dad and Mum, Why am I here?

Hi my name is Anetta and I am 7 years old and I don’t know how to feel… As I watch my siblings play together I am left alone watching seasons and seasons of Anime.

I am not allowed to play with you. I want to play with you. But they do not want to play with me.

You are adopted. You are the black sheep. Am I adopted? What is a black sheep? Why are they so mean to me? We are siblings, this is normal. Is this normal?

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

Why are they so mean to me? Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I not like them? Why do I hate him? We fight. No trust me, we can fight.

I want to be better than you. I want mum and dads attention to be directed at me. I want to be the best in our family. You are always the best. Everyone loves you.

No one loves me like they love you. I want to be better. Better than you. You want to buy mum and dad a house. I want to buy one for them first!

When we go to school they talked about us. “Good morning, I heard you got into a fight again last night. Your brother has scratches all over him”.

I am proud of how I hurt you. Why am I proud of how I hurt you? I don’t care, I just know that I hate you.

Hi my name is Anetta, I am 10 years old and my older brother is sick. I need to give everyone their plates for dinner. 1,2,3,4…5 mums, dads and finally mine. He doesn’t want to eat tonight. Well, that’s odd. He usually eats the most. I’m not complaining, more for me. I want it. Hmm.. why aren’t you eating?

He’s not walking with us to school today. He’s been sick the last few weeks. Maybe he’s lying. He’s purple. John, you don’t look good. You have purple spots all over your body and head. John you look diseased. We laughed. We mocked him. Time to go. Bye John, going to school now, see you after.

PA ANNOUNCEMENT: “Can Anetta and Livingstone Pio please come to the office. Please bring your bags.”

Mum and Dad are at the office with the school principal. Hi Mum, Hi Dad, what are you doing here? Dads smiling talking to our principal. Our principal is smiling. Mum looks like she’s been crying. We get to go home early, my little brother and I are cheering. We leave.

Dad begins driving. It’s quiet. Mum starts crying.

Mum asks us, “Do you miss your brother?” . I reply, ‘Why mum? Why would we miss him?’. Mum “He’s gone, he’s not here anymore“. Begins crying harder. I look at my brother. ‘Livingstone, don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He was just at home, what do you mean gone?’ Dad smiles softly whilst driving and says “Your brother has passed away.”

“Dad it’s not funny, I don’t believe you. I want to see him, you’re joking right?”. We are home. I swing open the car door as fast as I could. My older sister isn’t at school. She’s on the staircase out front of our home. She’s crying, but talking the phone. We pass her.

I begin to come up with a plan before we go in. I look at Livingstone, “Ok look, you go look in all the other rooms and I’ll look here. Find him!”

We scream out “JOHN… JOHN .. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE THEY HIDING YOU, COME OUT… WHERE ARE YOU? ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE”..

I search here. Over there. Over here. Where are you John? Where are you hiding?

I look under his bed… and then I look up. I wish I did not look up. I’m on my knees and I see him. I see my dad. He’s crying. He’s coming towards me with open arms. “No… No.. this can’t be..No Dad, you never cry.. Why are you crying?”

Please NO .. NO .. NO. This isn’t right. I’m sorry John, I’m SORRY OK. Please god, let me say sorry, please!

GOD WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME?

GOD!!!! WHY NOT ME?…

Hi, my name is Anetta. I’m 14 and I am a Christian girl from Samoa. We have just moved into our new house that we can’t afford. My parents have asked me to find a job to help financially. I applied for KFC down the road and got it. I can now contribute financially. I go to church on Sundays, but I would rather be at work if I am being honest. I enjoy making my own money and sharing it with my family more.

Hi my name is Anetta. I’m 17 years old and I still believe in Jesus. I’m still working hard trying to focus on my studies. Everything is still the same, I’m still the same.

However, today is different.

I noticed he keeps coming to my work. I’m not sure why but, I feel awkward around him. I got a message online. He looks familiar. It’s the same guy that comes through my drive thru. He wants to meet. So do I.

Hi again. My name is Anetta. I am a Samoan Christian Girl who has just fallen in love with a Muslim boy. I think this is love.

My family don’t know. I don’t know how to tell them. Will they accept him as he is? I don’t want him to change and he’s told me I don’t have to either. He loves me as I am. I believe him. We’ve been together for 2 years and I’ve just realised I haven’t met his family. He tells me his family travels a lot.

I think and I wonder if they’ll like me. I begin reading about Islam. The perceptions of Islam is bad. The world thinks so. I don’t think so. He is my world.

It’s time to meet his father. He is a business man. We go to his office. We sit down across his desk. He tells him.

His father doesn’t want to look at me. They’re speaking Urdu. I can tell he’s not happy. He says in English and looks at us “You need to speak to his mum. She’s in Pakistan. When she comes we will talk.”

It’s time. She’s here. He picks me up. We go to his house. I’m sitting on the couch. Next to him. I finally meet his mother. I can tell straight away she’s a strong woman. All 3 of his older sisters are here. I’m next to him and his parents sitting across from us. His mother is looking at me. Judging me. They’re speaking Urdu to each other. I don’t understand what’s happening. His sister yells across the room saying ‘It’s not fair, I should be able to see my niece or nephew’. I see they’re upset. I see they care about their religion. I see they care about him.

He hasn’t said anything to me yet. He remains quiet next to me. She takes a book out, it’s the Quran. She begins to read it to her son. Finally his mum speaks to me. She’s friendly but firm. She asks me “what religion are you?”. I tell her I’m Christian. She looks confused and asks “what kind of Christian?” . I tell her I believe its Presbyterian. She starts speaking Urdu and is upset with my answer and stares at her son with anger. She looks at me and asks “When you have your baby, how do you plan on raising it? As a Muslim or as a Christian?” Without hesitation I said, as a Christian… that wasn’t the right answer. Energy in the room changed.

It became chaotic. She started yelling and screaming. The sisters were distraught and upset. They began yelling at him asking him why. He was still quiet. They were all yelling in Urdu. I don’t understand, but I understand. I began crying.Thoughts in my head were saying. This is my fault. I’m sorry I said the wrong thing. I’m sorry I was honest. The sisters tell me, they can not accept my child or me into their family if I am not Muslim and it is not fair for me to take away their brother’s/son’s child away from them. They would like to be apart of the child’s life and they will not be able to accept their brother or son if he chooses to stay with me.

He remains quiet. I look at him upset. He grabs my arm and walks us out of the house. He’s angry. But I’m not sure why. He looks at me and says “The most Christian thing about you is the necklace you wear, the cross pendant. Why would you say that without discussing with me first”. He blames me.

Hi my name is Anetta and I have just accepted Allah into my life. I am becoming a Muslim wife. My dads calling. I hang up. My sisters are calling. I hang up. I want my child to be apart of everyone’s life. I do not want to live with that burden. I must do this for my child. I must do this for him. My family will always love me and forgive me.

I’ve just learnt Anetta is not a Muslim name.

Hi my name is now Anisa I am 19 years old and I am going to Marry a Muslim man because I am pregnant with his child. It is also important in our religion for our child to be born into a married family.

His family is happy. He is happy. His relatives are happy. I’m not happy.

Today is my wedding day. I’m getting married today. My family are calling. They don’t know. I know. They don’t. They weren’t invited. I’m sorry.

My name is Anisa. I am 19yrs old and I’ve converted to Islam, my family don’t know. You weren’t Invited. His mum picked my dress. His sisters are dressing me. I’m covered. I’m wearing a Burqa. I’m crying. I’m sorry. I did it. Everyone is happy, except me. For your child Anetta. Keep telling yourself that.